Take your performance goals and...

My sister was complaining to me about her job last night and mentioned that she will soon have to complete a "performance goals and self-evaluation" form as part of the standard year-end business of where she works.

We all have had to do these at some point in our jobs. Why?!? What does one say on these forms that have been thrust on employees everywhere by some backroom corporate psychologist, counselor or a similar administrative employee who needed to get some bonus points for creativity one year and has now stuck everyone with this project?

"Dear Employer who doesn't care what my goals are except for one day of the year and who REALLY doesn't care what my goals are on the weekends when I have to come in because you don't have the balls to tell someone to wait for their low-ranking project until Monday morning (or perhaps you really just hate your wife so much that you need to come into the office on the weekends):

My performance this year has been excellent. I have been the first one in the office every morning and the last to leave at night. During my time in the office, I regularly revise my online bio on the firm's website, make lunch and dinner reservations to do some serious client development with my college friends and work on my case management skills by always checking my caller ID before avoiding calls from clients.

My goals for the year include but are not limited to (1) buying 2-3 new suits and a BMW this year from the bonus I expect to make from the billable hours that I attained from flying long distances to mindlessly babysit products liability depositions in which I never say a word and my notes consist of the accessories I want in my new car, (2) recruit a younger associate to take over some of the more menial tasks so I can lend my skills to larger matters, (3) update my photo on my online bio to show one of my new suits and (4) obtain speaking engagements and find someone to write the article and outline from which I will speak."

Workers of the world unite - do not fill out these useless self-evaluations/ performance goals! What are they going to do? Some backoffice admin staff person will get all riled up that he can't check the box on THEIR form that you completed their oh-so-important requirement. As for your supervisor? He will just make up goals for you anyway. And evaluate you any damn way he wants. What would make you think otherwise?